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Covered In Mice
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2nd-May-2008 09:12 am - Chapter 57: Skeeving Snackboxes
My Name Is Sue

I think the most valuable lesson we can give to today’s authors is: if you can’t spell a word, don’t use it several more times in your fic so that everyone can see you can’t spell it. (I’m thinking of “stared”, “prejudiced” and “Gryffindor” here.)


Best New Word: “Nuttle-brittle”. Sounds quite tasty, actually.


This chapter features the longest unbroken quotes we’ve ever had. I kept looking for a place to break them off, but every sentence was wrong. Needless to say, it is the sister story to the X-Men crossover we had last week, but with added new age ramblings and even worse spelling.


Best Worst New Word: “SevvyPoo”, who can turn into “Nytemyst”. Take your pick.

‘What could be so direr that we condom an innocence child to hell.’Collapse )

Having read the fic, I must say, he deserves a name like that. Or is it BECAUSE of the name that he grew up to be such an irritating little shit? He should count his blessings; there are other creatures in this chapter called Elvator and Trhum. Also some terrible Snapewangst, if you haven’t already guessed.


Best New Word: “Objurgated” wins by a thousand miles.

22nd-Apr-2008 12:01 am - Chapter 54: The Crisp Green Crass
St. Mango's

So, what do we have for the mice today? Is that an execrable attempt at a Sorting song? Why yes, it is. Obsessively long and boring description of someone’s clothes, together with strawberry fetish? Bien sur. Pansy-bashing? Inability to use simple punctuation? Total ignorance of the habits of trains? All here. (Our first author has a particular gift for purple prose and malapropisms; I think I’ll call them “malapurplisms” from now on.)


Oh, and get this: “Purious DNA Revealo”. WORST. SPELL. EVER.


Best New Word: “Sto", as in, "to put a loving relationship to a sto". What can it mean? Do we care?

Albus stood at the foot of his bed, looking as omnipresent as ever.Collapse )
18th-Apr-2008 12:14 pm - Chapter 53: Your Sacrum Animal!

Behold the return of one of our strangest authors: spontaneous sex changes and underage engagements are the least weird thing here. For example, we have people with blue and orange blood. And would a Head of House really refer to “Dumblefuck” when addressing the first years?


Best New Word: “Conemplate” – a spell that makes your crockery conical.

15th-Apr-2008 03:30 pm - Chapter 52: By Using A Bull-Dowser

Sorry this chapter’s rather late; at the last minute I discovered a glorious goldmine of ghastliness, which will have to wait till Friday. In the interim: semi-literate House crossovers, deeply unsettling Snape stuff and someone who seems to think “necromancy and blood magics” are real.


Best New Word: Definitely “huggged”: a really long hug. Mmm, I wish I could have one now.


Our last story today features the stupidest plot of all time, but I won’t spoil it for you. Just goes to show that native English-speakers can wreak even worse stories than the very, very great number of foreigners we have today. And there’s a remarkable number of bees this episode, but we’ll ignore them.


Best New Word: “Mundials”. Darling, you’re supposed to translate the entire fic into English, not just bits of it.

8th-Apr-2008 02:01 pm - Chapter 50: The Spew Of Prongs

Rejoice, for it is our half-centenary! I’d like to be able to offer you some sublime and beautiful prose to celebrate the occasion, but as usual I’ve only got the sort of stuff that looks as if it was written by H P Lovecraft on crack. Oh well.


Best New Word: Hagrid and Sprout have created some interesting new breeds of centaur this week: “centaury”, who have pink flowers growing out of their heads, and “centacurs”, who are part horse and part dog.

4th-Apr-2008 10:22 am - Chapter 49: He Wanted The Yesterday

This chapter contains a suspicious number of Norwegians. Indeed, there were other Norsk!Suethors that I had to reject because they weren’t funny. I can postulate only three possibilities: (a) Harry Potter has suddenly got very big in Norway, (b) the trolls think it’s funny, or (c) Beardedtroll is fulfulling his pathological need for love and attention by posting badfic on the Pit under a variety of pseudonyms.


Best New Word: Too many to choose from. I actually quite like “cunningness”.

Sherbet lemons
 Goth vampires, Snape!vampires, Charmed crossovers and My Chemical Romance: ahhhh, all the ingredients to cook up some Drivel Dumplings. And I feel indignant on behalf of Pansy, who is surely the most vilified female character apart from Umbridge. Seriously, is there something about wearing pink that makes Suethors hate you with the fervour of a thousand rabid weasels?

PS: I've just noticed the date. I wish I could tell you these were all April Fools, but, er, they're not.

Best Worst New Word: “VampSev”. This is wrong and can never be made right.

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